Created: 2008.01.02
This article is written in early 2008. I don't make "New Years Resolutions", but on my Birthday each year, I make a Birthday Resolution. A promise to myself to improve some specific aspect. I have done this now for 25 years and I have succeeded 22 times (yes, I failed 3 times.)
A friend commented that I should tell people my secret of success. I don't have a "secret", but I do have few thoughts about the issue... so, hence this page. I wrote it primarily for my children's edification, but also so I could remind myself so I can continue to be successful and to help my friends (and anyone else that cares to read this page!)
My first "secret" is: I don't do it on New Years Eve. I find there is too much happening around that time of year. Adding an additional stress (changing yourself has to be a stress or you aren't doing anything.) But since my birthday is middle of November, when others are making new year's resolutions, it is a reminder to me to keep up the fight.
I pray. I believe that God wants me to improve myself. I believe that if my goals are not pleasing to God there is no reason to make them. I know that he wants to be part of everything I do. So, I ask him to help keep my goals - even the ones that might appear frivolous.
The next "secret" is: I pick something that is guaranteed achievable. I have a RESOLUTION that is achievable, and I often add a HOPE that is simply the HOPE, it isn't the actual resolution. Here are some personal examples I am willing to share:
The Resolution: I decided to follow a specific 21day plan for a specific upper body exercise and to do it at least 10 times during the year.
The Hope: I hoped I would follow it 17 times during the year and I hoped for a specific outcome in my body. But since I couldn't guarantee that outcome, I didn't resolve the outcome, I only resolved what I could handle.
The Outcome: This was one half my 2008 resolution, I did better than 10 but less than 17.
The Resolution: I decided to take every opportunity I could to overcome my terror of heights.
The Hope: I hoped I would overcome my fear of heights. The Outcome: I climbed ladders more than 20 feet to the roof of a jym. I stood on the plate glass windows of the CN Tower looking straight down (fortunately I went to the bathroom BEFORE I tried that stunt.) I would move to the edge of windows when I had meetings in skyscrapers and look down until the butterflies go away. It didn't get rid of my fear of heights - Some years later looked down a 1500' while hiking in the mountains, and I was terrified and I had to have someone hold my feet while I layed down to peek over. But at least I could look over. I am still afraid of some heights, but it no longer paralyzes me when doing normal life things like climbing on the roof of a house. I've got some work to go before I can stand, like my good friend, within 4' of the edge of a 1500' cliff without panic (which MAKES it dangerous) but I've had no desire to set a goal for overcoming that.
The Resolution: I would eat mushrooms. (I used to gag)
The Hope: I would learn to tolerate them so I wouldn't make a face when I was served them.
The Outcome: I love mushrooms, and now, when I travel around the world, I can consume almost any food I am served with no sign of distress.
The Resolution: I would start to do public speaking
The Hope: I would get over my extreme panic and dry mouth at the thought of giving a public speech.
The Outcome: I've given 100's of speeches, and while I am still always nervous the first 30 seconds, I am fine after that, and I seem to hide my first 30 seconds of fear fairly well. Update 2016: I now don't even have the 30 seconds of fear.
The next "Secret": My todo list that I check every morning has my goal on it.
"Secret": I'm VERY specific in the resolution. It is, as much as possible, easy (for me) to measure whether I achieved the goal, or to what degree I achieved it. Some goals can't be measured by other people, such as, I will take every opportunity where I am afraid of the height. Because only I know when a certain item causes a fear of height for me.
"Secret": Have a good REASON for the resolution. In the case of my old fear of heights, it meant I couldn't do many things that would be so simple if I could just climb up a 20' ladder. The mushrooms eating one meant that I would have more options for eating (not that I really need that) and it would remove a social embarrassment.
"Secret": Be realistic. Saying "I will be able to do 500 chin-ups by the end of the year" likely can't be achieved (I can't). Better to say "I will be able to do 3 chin-ups by the end of the year, but if I get to 3 before March, I will bump it up to a higher number" and then reevaluate when you reach the initial goal. But, saying "I will write my first book" was realistic for me. Bonus: the book was published by McGraw-Hill within the year too. So a goal may be possible if you have thought things out ahead of making the resolution, but it may be unreasonable if you have not done your research. This leads us to:
"Secret": Plan your resolution ahead of time. Do the research, decide whether a resolution is appropriate, if it isn't pick a different one or modify it to be reasonable. I don't make a resolution without thought, or because I'm mad at myself, or because I've "had enough". or because of any other knee jerk reason.
"Secret": I don't do two or more at time. The two times I did that, were 2 of the 3 times I failed to achieve either of my resolutions. Having said that, I've had a lot of success so this year, for my 2007/2008 (remember I don't start on New Years day) resolution I'm trying 2 again. FWIW: The two objectives are related and compliment each other so I think I can make it. Update November 2008: I made one of the 2, not the other.
"Secret": I don't tell anyone unless I feel like it. Most things I've written say you HAVE to share to be successful. Some I have told other people so they could help, but others, like my fear of heights - no one would have let me climb the ladder in that jym if they had known of my stark terror! Also, a few of my resolutions have been very embarrassing - sadly those I tend to fail at. For me, the one person I do tell is God. For me, here is the issue: There are certain resolutions that I want to make, but if I feel I have to tell someone, I won't make that resolution, so I allow myself the option of not telling people. Now, once I have made the 'resolution', I also encourage myself to tell one or more people so they can hold me accountable. So, wherever possible, at that would mean about 20 of the 25 resolutions I did tell someone, and it does help keep the resolution. So, when deciding which resolution is most important to me, I keep in mind I don't have to tell anyone, but then, once the resolution is made, I sit back and see if there is any way I can tell one or more people and have them hold me accountable to achieve it. This way the fear of social embarrassment (not achieving the goal) is a "stick" in the carrots and sticks I use to achieve the goals.
"Secret": Don't make it a vow. I don't guarantee myself. I don't vow to God. I don't put such a priority on it. That way, I don't come away devastated if I fail temporarily or if I fail completely.
"Secret": Share your successes along the way. So, for example, when I managed to gag down my first mushroom, it was with a group of friends. And while they laughed at how horrible I looked gaging it down - they celebrated with me (for nearly 5 seconds) that still, I did get it down. This may seem silly and unimportant to you - but for me, it was a good step forward for me. And while it was embarrassing at the time, it was worthwhile and I achieved the goal and more.
"Secret": When you are successful, share it with friends and celebrate. In my case, once I had just one successful year, where I reached my stated goal, that put me in a class of a small number of people who have actually made their resolution. That gave me incentive the 2nd year. And now, with 22 successes out of 25, I want to make it 23 out of 26, so that gives me extra encouragement to keep with it. It also, when I start to falter, reminds me that yes, I can make it. And what seemed impossible minutes ago is suddenly achieved simply because I remember it is possible. What a weird animal the human is: When we don't know it is possible, it becomes impossible, but when we know it is possible, it is achieved and in some cases, achieved easily.
"Secret": Start easy. If you have never done a pushup in your life (I'm basically there as I write 'this' in 2008), set your goal to TRY to do ONE pushup one to three times a week. Now notice: If you TRY 52 times to do one pushup - you've achieved your goal. Now you have been successful at one resolution, now next year, you can make a harder one, and your chance of success will be greater than it would have otherwise have been. Now, if you set the goal to TRY to do ONE pushup, and you make it by the end of the 3rd week - change the goal a bit - set it that you will TRY to do 3. Then when you reach that goal, set it at TRY to do 10, and keep going as you reach the goal. Note that I don't say to set a goal "I WILL do 10 pushups" to - I will TRY to do 10 pushups. This increases your success rate and helps keep your motivation going forward. Again, some 'motivation' courses say that I am completely out to lunch. They say - say "I WILL" do it. So you can decide which method to use. But for me, being practical, pragmatic and highly motivated works much better than being unreasonable and setting promises you can't guarantee.
Note though - I do set goals that are much higher and frequently unrealistic or impossible, but I don't make resolutions that are that way. But in this article, I am discussion resolutions which are just one tool to help you and me reach our goals. Here's a real example of the difference between one of my goals and one of my resolutions. I have resolved to spend a minimum average of 3 hours per week studying Spanish this year (and no, this isn't my big 'annual' resolution, this is another less dramatic one.) But my goal is to be fluent in Spanish to a specific level (that I've documented in detail for myself) by 2016. Now, I hope I'll make my goal, and I am setting for myself resolutions along the way. But at times I feel there is no possible way I'll meet my goal, other times I feel, wow, I think I'm going to make it by 2016. My goal helps keep my shorter term resolutions in focus. I have particular times to check up to see if I've met my short term objectives and when, for a 6 month period in 2007, I kept putting it off one day at a time, I was disappointed, but then I got myself back on track and pushed extra hard, and I'm working towards getting back on target by the middle of 2008.
"Secret": Find a way to reward yourself for small successes, and avoid punishing yourself for failures.
"Secret": Don't punish yourself for failures. Yes, I'm repeating this phrase. For example, if you break your diet and eat a chocolate bar - don't punish yourself by eating a pint of ice cream. Admit your failure, and move forward.
"Secret": Have a plan. Some resolutions are easy to see what steps you need to follow. Others require planning - how are you going to achieve them. Whatever level of plan you need - have it in place before the day your resolution starts.
"Secret": Remember that to change is one of the hardest things for humans. We like to stay the same. With habits, it is said that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit or start a new habit. Personally, I sometimes find I am more stubborn than that. But lets say it is only 21 to 30 days - keep reminding yourself "only x more days". Then, when you reach the end - you can either start over to keep it up - or if you are lucky, it will have become a habit that now just takes care of itself.
Good luck and God bless you as you work to achieve your goals.